By Margaret Ambrose
Every Thursday night, after dinner and when my teenaged daughters are at their desks doing homework, I go into my bedroom, shut the door, and do something totally unrelated to parenting. Every Thursday, the latest episode of my favourite podcast drops (if you’re looking for a new podcast, it’s Queer Gals Watch West Wing and I cannot recommend it enough, especially if you’re a fan of the 90s drama series, The West Wing). Normally, while I am listening, I’ll do something like paint my nails or do a sheet mask from the pile of sheet masks accumulated from Mother’s Days, birthdays, Christmases and every other occasion the world tells us should be celebrated by giving mums a sheet mask.
It didn’t use to be this way. Initially, I would choose to spend the time listening to the podcast doing those mindless chores like folding laundry, and if you are wondering why I am telling you this it’s because I stopped doing that. And you should too – science is telling us to.
Recently, a joint study between CQUniversity Australia and Adelaide University documented the mental and physical benefits of mothers undertaking leisure that is totally removed from parenting.
The study concentrated on gaming (playing things like Nintendo Switch or Roblox, for example) specifically, but the report learnings can be applied to other leisure activities.
The researchers surveyed mothers and looked at whether gaming helped them recover from the stresses of everyday life, using a framework that considers whether an activity helps people mentally switch off from work and responsibilities, relax, and experience a sense of choice and control over what they do.
Gaming was found to improve wellbeing for mothers across the board, but there’s a catch: you have to do it without the kids. And this is a really important distinction.
I am happy to admit that I often play games of Roblox with my girls. They enjoy it; I enjoy it. I also love doing other leisure activities with my daughters, things like swimming, going out for breakfast, or going to the movies. Yet while, as mums, we undoubtedly have fun and relax when we do these activities with our kids, we are still parenting.
It turns out, the maximum benefits that come from mums having fun, happens when it’s totally removed from parenting.
Single mothers know that parenting alone is hard work. It takes emotional energy, mental focus and physical effort every single day. When you add paid work, the endless jobs around the house, and everything else life throws at you, it’s no surprise that many single mums constantly feel stressed, overwhelmed and completely exhausted.
What the research revealed is that gaming alone (not playing with the kids) helped mothers disengage from caregiving roles, with 71 per cent agreeing that improved their mental health. Turns out, kind of disconnecting (listening to your favourite podcast, but while folding laundry or making lunches) is not as good for us as actually disconnecting. That means not mixing our leisure time with anything related to caregiving.
So, if enjoying moments of leisure totally unrelated to parenting is so good for our mental and physical health, what’s stopping us? Well, the report tackles that too and it will come as a surprise to no one: Mum Guilt.
One respondent summed it up: “I feel guilty playing games, there is always something more important that needs to be done, for example, time with child…organising social and family events, childcare and family finances, housework, actual paid work.”
According to the gaming report authors, the narrative around mothers and leisure needs to change. Writing in The Conversation they say, “Gendered expectations about a mother’s role can result in gaming being perceived as a guilty pleasure rather than a valid form of self-care. For gaming mums, play is more than just a luxury. It can also be a resource for recovery and relaxation.”
Now no one is suggesting we should just take off and leave the kids to fend for themselves, and no one is suggesting that we disengage in a way or with a frequency that neglects or endangers our children. The point is, when we have the opportunity for leisure time by ourselves we should take it – completely and without guilt.
As single mums, prioritising our own wellbeing is essential and that means finding time to disconnect and have fun outside of parenting. That’s why, this Thursday night, you’ll find me in my bedroom, listening to Queer Gals Watch West Wing, sheet mask plastered to my face, doing the day’s Wordle – and feeling completely guilt-free about doing it.
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